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AN OPEN LETTER FROM OUR
EX-COMMANDER IN GRIEF
Deer ‘merika,
Well, its
hard to beleeve its bin 8 yeers alredy. Seems lik only
yesturday dat BIG DICK, Karl, Laura and me moved inta dis big
house. Boy, times was a hole lot differnt den, huh? Full
employmint, buget sirpluses, and no yung kids gettin theyre
heads blowed off in sum made up war in Bag Dad. Shit, back den
da presdent was gittin hand jobs in da closit from fat inturns.
I dint get no hand jobs. Karl told me I’d be gettin hand jobs.
(Sigh)
 I no, I no,
yur thinkin, “How cud dat bass turd fuck everythin up so
badly?!” Well, it wusnt my falt. What? Ya think theyd let a 3
time luzer lik me run dis cuntry? HA!! BIG DICK’s bin doin it
all! He and Squinty Rumsfeld maid up all dat stuff bout Bag
Dad, and thay bin keepin me locked up in da bunker downstares
with a lifetim supply of cocaine and Lone Star beer! Its true,
its true! Halburton made sum multy-billion-doller drone dats
been doin all my appeerances da hole time! Thay didn’t
eben let me out til aftur da election. And now I got to
hand dis peece of shit over to da new guy. Well? Better him
dan me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
But, hey, dis
Obama kid seems lik he mite jist be able to save us. I met
him. He uses dem big wurds dat I cant understand, like wen DICK
starts telln me bout his big plan to save da economee by fuckin
da “little guy” and gibbin all da money to us rich folks so we
can trikle it down on everywon else sumday. I asked DICK wen
we’r spost to start triklin, but he says it’s a secret. Kinda
lik da one bout who outed Valerie Plame. Dat DICK, he’s a fun
guy! I’m gonna miss him.
Anywho, I bet
yur askin yurself, “What’s next for ol’ dubya?” Well, Karl tells
me dat ther aint enuff secret surviss guys on da planet to keep
me from gettin’ blowed up or gunned doun, so I’ll be checkin
into da witless protecshun program as soon as I hand da keys to
dis mess ober to Barack. DICK says I can keep my cocaine and
Lone Star, and I git to keep on wit my finger paintin too! As
for Laura, she’s bin a little deprest of late. Seems she mite
not be joinin me on my big trip to da program. Hey! Maybe she
can be a bigshot senator like dat Clitton lady. Naaaaa!
Well, I gotta
be goin back to da bunker now. Sorry bout da mess, but thanks
for da past 8 yeers. Its bin a HOOT!!!
Luv,
dubya
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