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SWINE HEART!
Squeal Like A Pig!
 (Houston,
TX) Twisted Fucks across America clenched their collective
sphincters in horror as Barbara “Babs The Horrible” Bush
underwent open heart surgery to replace a rogue valve that had
finally succumbed to 83 years of Maine lobsters, blue cheese
dressing, and a bottomless glass of Bombay martinis, not to
mention the arduous task of marshalling her three stooges
through two failed presidencies, a like number of shit-stained
governorships, and the horrific potential for a third Bush
presidency defiling her old house on Pennsylvania Avenue. Said
part-time surgeon and full-time veterinarian, Dr. Gerald Lawrie,
“She’s very fortunate that she’s such a cold-hearted bitch. The
warm hearts of mere mortals would never have lasted this long,
let alone have made it through the surgery.”
Until the
recent discovery of the H1N1 virus in Mexico, most
media outlets gave little attention to the use of a valve from a
pig’s heart to replace ol’ Bab’s leaky pipe, but the Potato has once
again dug deep to gather the dirt on what now appears to have
been only a partial report of the facts, all in an effort to
hoodwink an unsuspecting electorate and cover up the GOP’s grand
scheme to reinvigorate their twisted ranks.
It seems
shameless pig-fucker and erstwhile wimp, George H.W. Bush, upon
learning of the old battleaxe’s wayward ticker, hatched a scheme
to turn her into a breeding machine for future rethuglican
presidential candidates. Always the frugal one, wimpy recalled,
“Hey, if we have to kill the beast for its heart, why let all of
the other parts go to waste? I mean, parts is parts, am I
right?”
After
consulting GOP Chairman, Lush Rim-Job, as well as his
neighborhood taxidermist in Kinneyfuckport, it was resolved that
wimpy would fly the Bush family pig, Daisy, upon which the old
fruit had been pleasuring himself for the past ten years, down
to a hastily constructed laboratory at dubya’s ranch in
Crawford. There, Doc Lawrie would prep the various pork parts
that would then be inserted into the waiting heart and assorted
body cavities of the old bat in Houston.
 Once the
surgery was completed, with the reproductive organs of the late
pig inserted into the gaping hole left by Bab’s hysterectomy in
the late ‘80’s, the old bitch would be whisked directly back to dubya’s ranch and lashed to a vacated stall in the horse barn
where, in a mind-numbing cross between Deliverance and The Boys
from Brazil, she would be systematically violated by an able
assortment of the GOP’s finest, including the aforementioned
Lush Rim-Job, Shrill O’Lielly, Newt Ging-Grinch, BIG DICK, and the entire
Bush clan.
All went according to plan,
until Alex "Pollo Loco" Castellanos produced a live,
free-range chicken and proceeded to jam it up ol' Babs' backside
while taking his turn at the trough. The aforementioned
chicken, now carrying the requisite collection of viruses, was
jettisoned from the old bat's poop-chute during the fracas, and
escaped by hopping a passing Halliburton semi that was en route
to Mexico City to dump several tons of nuclear waste while
unwittingly delivering patient zero to the birthplace of
the impending pandemic.
Anyway, as of this
writing, the Potato is pleased to report that the old porker has
been plugged and is now processing her first litter of little
twisted fucks, with a projected gestation period of just under
three months.
“Hey, at 10
to 15 pups per litter, I can fill the Senate in two years!”
That’ll do,
pig.
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