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IT'S MOURNING IN MUNCHKINLAND
Follow the
Yellow Brick Road!
 (Crestwood,
MO) Here in the Land of Oz, better known as the State of Misery
in the central United States, it was announced today that Mickey
“The Town Crier” Carroll has embarked on that long and winding
yellow brick road to the Emerald City in the sky. A lifetime
member of the Lullaby League, and ardent critic of Hollywood’s
displacement of legitimate little actors through the use
of digital imaging and other technological enhancements designed
to make big people look normal, it is believed that Mickey died
of a broken heart after being passed over for Ian Holm for the
role of Bilbo Baggins in the Academy Award winning film series,
The Lord of the Rings.
As expected,
the Potato was on hand for the small services befitting this big
personality, where the gathering was serenaded to various
renditions of “Tom Thumb’s Blues” and a fine oratory from the MC
for the gala event who was none other than former Clinton Labor
Secretary, Robert “Big Bob” Reich. A card-carrying member
of Lollypop Guild Local 714, and current advisor to The North
Pole’s Council on Manufacturing & Labor Management in the Face
of the Global Recession, Big Bob said, during his touching
urology, “This is, indeed, a sad day for munchkins worldwide.
But, as we say goodbye to this giant of the silver screen, I
think we should all take heart in his oft-repeated mantra, ‘It’s
not the size of the midget, it’s the magic in him!’”
Bob was, of
course, drawing upon the little-reported, yet BIG story
of how Mickey wowed and befriended actress, Judy Garland, with a
series of mind-boggling, contortionist sex acts, which he
perfected as part of his then famous stand-up vaudeville act,
The Cunning Linguist. Mickey would later credit his tryst
with the young Garland for landing him his role in the Wizard of
Oz. Recalled Mickey Rooney, who also attended the services,
“Judy always had a special place in her, well, you know, for a
guy who could stand and deliver.”
 Mini Mi
actor, Verne Troyer, wiped away tears as he reminisced about
“wild nights low-fiving each other while cruising for amazons
through the back lots at MGM. He taught me everything I know
(sniff). He was the true
human tri-pod. I never could have
come up with that bit for The Spy Who Shagged Me if it
wasn’t for Mickey. Er, excuse me, YO’ LEGS! DOWN HERE!”
While famous
for his screen and stage antics, Mickey was also remembered for
his tireless efforts to win respect for the vertically
challenged in leading such noble efforts as the infamous
class-action suit against Dunkin’ Doughnuts, and his
never-ending battle to keep the GOP from fucking the little guy. |
